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Monday, 6 July 2015

capitalism


people say capitalism is the best system we've got, but i think snails are a better system. if we used them as money instead of actual money it would solve a lot of problems and here's why:



they're organic so that means they're good.


the stock market is just empty numbers. snails actually exist.



dead snails would be worth less so it would teach children and the rich to look after something other than their own selfish interests for once.



it's harder to counterfeit a snail.



it would increase your chance of finding money on the street.



it would limit the amount of money you could have without being consumed by snails.



it would make watching films about bank robberies more interesting.



some snails are hermaphrodites, so you know, equality.



there are probably some downsides as well but i've decided to be less negative recently, so there aren't any.


Tuesday, 9 June 2015



norman has turned up early for your dinner party.

bernadette from accounts has invited him and she says he's really nice and he helps out at the orphanage on wednesdays, but you don't really know him very well and there's something about the way he looks at you which makes you feel uncomfortable - plus he smells of death and untold horror. do you let him in? 
what you gonna do?


IDEAS SESSION AT THE DILDO FACTORY


BOSS: ok people - rabbits and dolphins on dildos have been done to death. we need new ideas. we need new sexy animals. anyone?

WORKER: how about a chicken?

BOSS: think sexier

WORKER: sexier than a chicken?

BOSS: yes

WORKER: chickens are sexy

BOSS: no

WORKER: what about a chicken in a dress

BOSS: no! no chickens

WORKER: sperm whale?

BOSS: too sexy. think smaller

WORKER: ants? spiders?

BOSS: ...

WORKER: chicks dig spiders, right?

BOSS: ... you're fired, gary.


Friday, 5 June 2015

Monday, 25 May 2015

star wars: the force awakens! exclusive!


i was very fortunate to come across a few of the storyboards for the new star wars film recently. 

in this exclusive never-before-seen scene set on dagobah, luke is meeting yoda for the first time because it's set in a parallel universe where they've never met before. (oh J.J! up to your old tricks again!) 

anyway, to avoid sueage (you know, being sued) i've changed their names to 'duke skywanker' and 'froga' - hopefully you know who they're supposed to be, otherwise what are you doing with your life.


yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobahyoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah




 as you can see, luke (by which i mean 'duke) doesn't come across as being very sympathetic, so this scene has since been removed from the film. sorry about that.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

alternate 'gravity' trailer







i was learning sony vegas, so i decided to make this alternative trailer for the warner bros. film 'gravity'. i don't own any of the images and i haven't asked permission because i'm a rebel so it will probably get taken down at some point. enjoy whilst you can.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015



the christmas card i made for my landlady. she's got 2 kids.