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Monday, 6 July 2015

capitalism


people say capitalism is the best system we've got, but i think snails are a better system. if we used them as money instead of actual money it would solve a lot of problems and here's why:



they're organic so that means they're good


the stock market is just empty numbers. snails actually exist



dead snails would be worth less so it would teach children and the rich to look after something other than their own selfish interests for once



it's harder to counterfeit a snail



it would increase your chance of finding money on the street



it would limit the amount of money you could have without being being consumed by snails



it would make watching films about bank robberies more interesting



some snails are hermaphrodites, so you know, equality



there are probably some downsides as well but i've decided to be less negative recently, so there aren't any.


Tuesday, 9 June 2015



norman has turned up early for your dinner party.

bernadette from accounts has invited him and she says he's really nice and he helps out at the orphanage on wednesdays, but you don't really know him very well and there's something about the way he looks at you which makes you feel uncomfortable - plus he smells of death and untold horror. do you let him in? 
what you gonna do?


IDEAS SESSION AT THE DILDO FACTORY


BOSS: ok people - rabbits and dolphins on dildos have been done to death. we need new ideas. we need new sexy animals. anyone?

WORKER: how about a chicken?

BOSS: think sexier

WORKER: sexier than a chicken?

BOSS: yes

WORKER: chickens are sexy

BOSS: no

WORKER: what about a chicken in a dress

BOSS: no! no chickens

WORKER: sperm whale?

BOSS: too sexy. think smaller

WORKER: ants? spiders?

BOSS: ...

WORKER: chicks dig spiders, right?

BOSS: ... you're fired, gary.


Friday, 5 June 2015

Monday, 25 May 2015

star wars: the force awakens! exclusive!


i was very fortunate to come across a few of the storyboards for the new star wars film recently. 

in this exclusive never-before-seen scene set on dagobah, luke is meeting yoda for the first time because it's set in a parallel universe where they've never met before. (oh J.J! up to your old tricks again!) 

anyway, to avoid sueage (you know, being sued) i've changed their names to 'duke skywanker' and 'froga' - hopefully you know who they're supposed to be, otherwise what are you doing with your life.


yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobahyoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah
yoda, luke, star wars, the force awakens storyboard, exlcusive, alixtron, alitron4000, dead behind the eyes, dagobah




 as you can see, luke (by which i mean 'duke) doesn't come across as being very sympathetic, so this scene has since been removed from the film. sorry about that.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

alternate 'gravity' trailer







i was learning sony vegas, so i decided to make this alternative trailer for the warner bros. film 'gravity'. i don't own any of the images and i haven't asked permission because i'm a rebel so it will probably get taken down at some point. enjoy whilst you can.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015



the christmas card i made for my landlady. she's got 2 kids.


Tuesday, 12 May 2015

money making


i've been a bit hard up for money recently, so have been trying to come up with some money making ideas. they say 'necessity is the mother of invention', but i think being poor and wanting cool stuff can definitely be yo momma too.

anyway, i was inspired by the film 'office space' - basically a film about trying to get out of doing work for a living, which really spoke to me for some reason - and one of the characters keeps holding up the idea of the 'pet rock' (if you don't know, the 'pet rock' was basically some guy who started sticking eyes on rocks and selling them to idiots) as the pinnacle of human invention, and all the characters in the film are making fun of him for this, but i really think he's on the right track here.

there are lots of glitches in the system and they're definitely always worth investigating.

as such, i have come up with the idea of 'DIRT BABIES!' © 
(the 'c' thing means you can't steal this).

it will be a shitty children's toy that they'll hopefully force their parents to buy by being brats about it.


i'm basically just going to stick eyes on a load of dirt and sell it for money, but this is why i think it's a good idea and will probably work:

  • 1) kids like dirt.
  • 2) you can make the dirt different colours so they'll be more collectible. 
  • 3) the dirt will probably fall apart if handled too much, meaning parents will be forced to constantly keep buying new 'DIRT BABIES!' © so they don't face the wrath of their loved ones.
  • 4) people say dirt will be dangerous for children, but i'll be using regulation safety dirt so there won't be a problem. 
  • 5) it's good for the immune system.
  • 6) they'll be really cheap to make... cheap as... well, yeah, you're not an idiot.
  • 7) i've put 'baby' in the title because babies are cute apparently. also they'll have really big eyes (not too big though - i want to keep production costs down) so you're distracted from the fact they're just lumps of dirt .
  • 8) i'm going to write a really catchy 'DIRT BABY!' © jingle for the advert (or just steal that one 'wheatus' did in the 90's about being a teenage dirt-bag baby) and maybe make a 'DIRT BABY!' © saturday morning cartoon to help brainwash children so much that they'll start screaming my product's name in their sleep and then the parents will have to buy it.  
  • 9) lonely-adult-nerd-men will also start buying just simply because they like collecting things.
  • 10) people will buy what i tell them to buy.

as you can see, i was struggling a bit to come up with 10 points, but don't let that put you off the 'DIRT BABY!' © hype train - all aboard! (whoop! whoop!)


here are some 'DIRT BABY!' © prototypes i've been working on. you'll notice i've put the photos through instagram to make them more appealing to morons.







and if 'DIRT BABIES!' © aren't the massive commercial success i know they should be, i'll probably come up with a proper idea instead.





so my sister got married earlier this year and i was in charge of doing the invites, so i made this. 

at the reception, my aunt came up to me and told me how much she liked the "owl" and "the other thing" i'd drawn, at which point i had to tell her it was a picture of a sloth hugging a pug - (the sloth is meant to represent paul, the groom, and my sister is meant to be the pug - you see, kids! this is exactly what happens when you start messing about with symbolism).

i still took it as a compliment because like most artists, i'm desperate for any type of positive feedback, but also because i had already come to terms with my artistic limitations a long time ago. 
i guess some artists make their things look like the things they're supposed to, and i guess i'm the other sort.